Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Brace yourselves. this is gonna be a long post. 

over my years being a survivor of mental and emotional suffering, i've noticed i've been able to at least reach out to some people, even minimal in time when it comes to relatable things.
infliction.
suicidal.
defitiences. 
indifference.
and massive emotional breakdowns.
the fact im able to talk and still function at times like alot of people i this world should stand as a testament to people who like me were unfourtunate at times.ive known people like myself to not be able to survive, or even be able to function, to the point total shutdown is the last resort. 
today two of my friends are dealing with that factor right now. while i truly care for them, i can't do anything to make them realize they have potential nor tell them that thigns will get better.
as someone who's heard these things, i can't lie to them that it will get better. cause sometimes it wont.
think about it. 
honesty, be it brutal, openly, or lightly has become a bigger use in the society today, to a point even celebrites use it. while its not considered a trend, it's becomeing a effection that is being more considered a quality, wheiter it's loyalty or even a relationship.
if anything i learned to let people who are in a situation to a point they ignore you or not respond due to thier own feelings is to let them deal with their own demons. you can't be a savior to everyone, at the same time, it shouldn't mean you should give up on them. it's only because it's a frustrating moment for them. 
i can't say or do anything to tell them they will be okay, but i will say to them that my unconditional love and support and concern for them will never die. becuase they would do the same for me. 
last year, i cried in a parking lot accross the street in the dead of night on a video because i felt there was nothing left to do. i had run out of options. i felt i was done. no more. ive been where they went. every person who's either dealt with emotional heartbreak, every self inflicted person, every person who's tried committed suciede. who was bullied because they were different. yet i have to force myself to rememeber one thing. 

i am still here. 
i haven't yet left. 
something is telling me stay. to help.
to tell another person who's dealt with what i dealt with to hold on alittle longer. 
to release their stress and tension,.
to cry alittle if it helps ease their pain. 
to make hug out your problems.
to take your anger out on something more useful.
to do whatever it takes to not harm yourself and feel useless.
cause we all have been that way in some point in time. 
and i was the one who felt it alot more than people.
bullied. insulted. told was wierd. creepy, stupid. dumbass,.
you all (especially my high school peers) have been witness to it all. and yet while i try to either fix my own problems or comfort someone else's, i never forgot where i started.
and that is the real reason i'm still alive.
because that little creepy nerd from high school wouldn't have made it. 
but the man who grew from him did.
and if i can survive this destructive world, 
then by hell the people i love can too.





*Jurai Or Die*

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The ANNOUNCEMENT.




To My RAVERS...
For the past 10 years my passion of music and my abilities  never showed a sign of slowing down, no matter what obsticles came my way, and no matter what i dealt with. i wanted to show people that my music was something that a person like me could accomplish, even when the deal was too great. 
lot of you have been there and seen it all, lost friendships and loves, gain partnerships and support. and through it all i have been blessed to make new music and gained respect from my peers in music. through this hard work i did on my own and with love and support from you all. from "the world according to" to "Delta Nexus" i had to hustle and Work hard to attain attention and even made sacrifices to push my music to the boundaries of success and recognition. and it seems somehow it was either make it or break it.

Until now.

as of March 3rd, i am proud to announce that I, Yoku Masaki, have made a lucrative Partnership and Distribution Deal with Gadsen Records.  This is what i have been waiting for a long time, and i can now say i will be making bigger moves then i ever could achieve. my first step in order is continued promotion of Delta Nexus, and further on details of my upcoming new EP which will be released very soon. 

for now, i wanted to share this Video, in which i take a trip down Memory Lane and my old home,where i started from in my music, to where i am today. i thank you for those who been with me since day one, and i hope you will stay on the continue ride to my glory.




THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.

*jurai or die* - since 1995.




Friday, March 7, 2014

BIG CHANGE IN STORE.

As you might have heard. I fell the need to MAKE this post here, on the blog that started it all for me.
for the past few years I've been a one man promotional army, making music and promoting myself to the point my potential has been overlooked and or has briefly been seen. I've released over 20 different projects, from beat-tapes and instrumentals to three albums.

I've also dealt with so much over the past 6 years i have released music, lost and gain things, people, and potential. but now i feel that this turning point for me has become a blessing.

as you may have paid attention, i had a conference call, my first one earlier last week, and i can honestly say this is my biggest announcement to ever been released.

stay tuned.

*Jurai or Die*

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

See You Space Cowboy...




 Many of you know on February 14th i declared myself bias on Valentines day due to personal reasons.
since i know a splorish of Valentine's Day posts will be all over the net, i wanted to take some time offline to focus on other things.
plus i've been dealing with alot of personal reasons that's kept me unfocused for the past few days, and i felt maybe i needed to take a break, 

then lo and behold, i read a post from my friend musician Kieran Strange. 

go to www.kieranstrange.com to see it.

after reading the post, i cried, never have i known someone else who dealt with the same issues i have from a artists standpoint.

to Miss Kieran, this is for you,

I wanted to write this on your page due to the fact i maybe on hiatus because of related issues myself as i realized. i want to thank you for your post on you website. words cannot express how much i almost cried after reading it, because it was accurately scary to what i've been dealing with partly for the past few days without no one's knowing half of the story. it's things like that you posted i swear im so glad i know you, and how much i truly support what you do. you are such an inspiring person and i can't thank you enough for being strong enough for doing what you did. I truly never thought someone like you can resonate on the same level as i am. i have had anxiety and Depression for the past 15 and on years, and it's taken a toll many times on my music and my life. to the point even i get lovesick. it was hard enough for me to write music and focus on even making my album let alone work on my other skills. you've been literally one of the most outspoken who knows my situation mentally and i can't thank you enough for speaking your mind for people like me. i hope you know i will always support you because of this and know i hope to meet you one day. also know if you ever want to talk outside the interwebs, im always here. for you have more than just a fan, you have a friend in me. sincerely, Yoku. xoxo


hopefully i'll be back later next week with more news of my music and new stuff for this 2014 and whatnot, also planning more with my photography and such, but go to my website and you'll know the story. (www.yokumasaki.com)

til then i'll be back.

love you all who still give a shit about me. <3

i mean that. i do love you.

-Yoku

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Fuck a Resolution.





I'm secure now in my life to actually say these words:
"I don't give a shit."
i don't have to work my ass pff to get attention and or affection anymore knowing i survived another year of Bullshit.
it won't make a difference.
some of you i managed to gain more respect as i feel accomplished on completing my music, and you maybe rewarded on that in the long running plans i have for next year.
some of you decided to cut losses of me while your still on my friends list.
why?
why for the sake would you even consider being around me when you have no respect nor have no appreciation for me? just to be nosy?
#FOHWTBS.
on everything. if you're done with me, you're done with me. simple as that. your "silent treatments" are through.
I'm through wasting time and money and sympathy to some of you who feel im a piece of shit of an existence yet im still on your social media friends list.
I'm only focused on those who keep a relevance to talk to me for now on.
i realize this social world is not important anymore.
and sometimes i may need to remind myself that it isn't still.
i just finished a accomplishment this year i didn't think i would finish this year.
and despite emotion and a medical condition, i stayed on the same path to finish it. (for those who didn't even know what im talking about, read my last post before this one to catch up.)
you can not say a man of my damaged mental capability has not achieved this task before.
i can actually say i have made three projects with a mental condition.
yes im sure there are people who are far worse than me on this earth, but they aren't me. there's the difference.
and while some of you ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT that i have accomplished this objective, those are the one's I'm making sure stick around.
the rest of you who are still on here in social media world, feeling the need to not speak to me at all even outside of the music, who USED to be close to me but changed because i did ONE mistake or so, who feel I'm not worthy of a friend, take a moment to think about what i did in generosity before you judged me.
before you made assumption that i had done good things for something. compare that to maybe the people in this world who did worse to you than what i did.
aside from that, if you don't think im a friend, you can go ahead and erase me from you existence. cause i guarantee I'll be doing the same to you.
no more bullshit is all im asking for 2014.

Masaki Out.

*Jurai or Die*

Friday, November 29, 2013

Half Lost Potential.

So it seems i have been misinterpreted when i talk to women.
i have very beautiful female friends. i am not even gonna sugar coat the shit, but in reality, only a few i was interested in til it came dwindling down later on throughout last year.
most times i mention certain women becuase i know they feel inadequate, insecure, and sometimes not important. in reality this has backfired on me because it seems like im interested in EVERY girl im like this to. and i don't realize that. 

i'm sorry for that. really i am. but in reality there was only one woman who i was really interested in. and tonight i confessed to her.

and she doesn't believe me. 

why? because it seems like every woman i talk to online makes the conversations look like im trying to talk to them in a datable way. and that's wrong of me to do that.
it's true, i do playflirt alittle like most people, but in reality it seems she was the one i should have focused on. 
and now she's doubts me. 
this was my wake up call.

well, maybe it's time i stop being the nice guy to every female.
maybe i should no longer focus on every female im friends with.
the one i like alot doesn't even LIVE in the U.S.
yeah, again with another distance crush.
but in all honesty, i've kept this one a secret because i don't want anyone to take her but me.
she's not possession, but she should only see me as potential.
if you are reading this my dear,
know this is proof that i want to only talk to  you.
it is not an act of despiration or an act of non confidence.it is an act of confession. if you want to let me make you happy say the magic words. 
cause im waiting. 


*jurai or die*

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Me. in a Nutshell. Empathize on the "Nut"

i'm pretty sure all of you know now that i have not only Bipolar and Autism, but also sever cases of Schizophrenia. along with bits of OCD, which is why order is kinda a thing for me. the thing is, i don't know if you some will either accept my moods or actions during my attacks or episodes because of this or not.

i won't lie, i am a hardcase of a friend, boyfriend, or even relative. there are moments when i feel like nothing can stop me, and in a drop of a dime by one thing i say or do, i end up either feeling like crap, or i feel like i want to punch someone in the face.

i went to see my therapist today and told her about my actions from two days  ago, she told me it's a stage from my autism that makes me have these moods, in which i try to reach out to someone without realizing some people in this society are mostly busy, and it's not being one of ignoring me, but one of being too busy with priorites to be able to show compassion for me when i feel i need it.

she told me my condition makes me have this visage as if everyone is free to be able to reach out to me and show their sympathies, and that i sometimes feel like i'm expecting someone who is considerate of my friendship to drop everything they are doing to see me, as if it's true, when at times i need to realize the reality of the situation and i need to slow my emotions down in ways of calmness.

i have a different degree of autism unlike some people who have it like myself. while some have heavier stages in which they can not even function a normal life, there are some who can function where they don't show any signs of a condition at all. think of it like the difference between Radio, and Howard Hughes in his early years. i feel im in the middle ground. i can function, and know some typical things like common people, but at times i am oblivious to my surroundings or people's actions because i show too much emotion that makes me feel selfish. and sometimes i end up either realizing i hurt people's feelings, or i find out by losing their friendship all together. and it's one of the many reasons why my comfort zone is being anti social. not because i don't end up not hurt, but i don't hurt people's feelings with my language when in REALITY, i am not intending to.

my other problem is my anger. at times when i get depressed, i tend to trigger my anger, which is like my safety mechanism. whenever i get depressed, i tend to lash out and rage at people or things. it's common of me to be that way due to my socializing with the wrong people when i was younger. i was a lemming. a follower. and everyone who abused my friendship i was angry with. one day my brother told me he became friends with a man who bullied me when i was in high school, he wanted to talk to me and i refused. why? because i became a better person without him. it wasn't because i was even still mad at him for the bulling he did to me years ago. it's because why should i accept his friendship when i was fine without it? call it a grudge if you want, but it's something i have a strong defense in. its because of his type of people is why i have bad trust issues in friends. and when i deal with rejection of women, that also triggers my depression and anger. it's mostly the reason why my rants at times goes on here. (yes, the one we all know about is partly due to a trigger)

my rants sometimes are mostly because of my triggers, my video rants are as well, so anytime you may have read or watched a rat from me about why women treat me like shit or guys like me like shit, it's mostly due to a trigger of my depression and anger reaction to a rejection. its not healthy, i know, but it's what's happened to me for years.

one friend i upset the most told me this week that i obviously don't realize i hurt people's feelings when i say things like i did that night when i mentioned i don't have friends. it was taken out of context. and i didn't realize it til i said it. i have somewhat a "Blind Rage" whereas i don't see the consequences til AFTER i do them. right now my friend is still mad at me im sure, unless she's busy and just not saying anything in regards to that day. (also, when i apologize more then once, to a point of annoyance by the way, Take that as a serious Apology, it's part of my condition as well. i tend to be seriously apologetic repetitively. i know it's annoying but it's real.)

The reasons i'm writing this is because either some of you either still don't get why i act the way i do beyond this condition, or some you didn't even know. there is one thing i CAN say despite all this. i have been Honest since you knew me. i haven't hidden anything, sometimes i'm too open with my honesty. and it backfires on me. but you know what? i at least have nothing to hide. i've told most of you everything you know about me. no rumors, no gossip, no lies. (unless if i did lie on anything, let me know and i'll tell you the truth.. )

right now, on this Halloween Night, i am writing this because i feel like the monster is who i really am. no mask, no costume, just me and my naked face. and that's the scariest thing about me even i fear. the fear of my honesty.

if you are one of the few i have annoyed, hurt, or ignored, take this in consideration and Accept my apologies. i truly don't mean to offend, or disrespect intentionally without thought.

if you are one who still understands my situation and still supports, or considers my friendship and loyalty true, then i thank you for giving me acceptance in your life beyond my imperfections of myself. and know i may not say it at times, but i TRULY appreciate our friendship more than you know.

If you are still unsure about your place in my life because of my actions, please know this: i cannot say it won't happen again, but it will be fixed in time to the point it may never happen again, i am not saying to endure, but to understand my situation. for this condition of mine is a social double edged sword, and not only i feel horrible for hurting you, but hurting myself in doing these actions.

My mind is like a broken china plate shattered in million pieces. and i only have HALF the plate glued back together. give me time to finish what i started. in time the pieces wont fit, but they will be put together again.


*Jurai or Die*

Followers