Saturday, December 5, 2015

Vision of loss.

Lost a Close friend of 5 years this week because slowly she was not seeing my vision and not giving it the respect it deserves. at the same time made me lose another friend who had potential in helping me with my future career. 

sometimes its hard to lose track of what your passionate for and what youre loving. because all you want is support. but it means nothing without love. you can always respect and feel that someone cares for you or what youre drive is, but it's nothing without love. i can't love sometimes friends because my love is a different meaning. it doesn't mean i don't care. i need to save the love for myself. for everytime someone says i "Should love Myself first" i put my love for them off after my own love.
a close friend of mine actually reccomended me try an app tonight called "Happify" in which helps your stress and emotion with a series of games, its very resourceful in information, i'm hoping down the line it helps me mentally and emotionally. 

since i've moved back to Ohio it seems things gotten more barren for me. and the people i once connected with in Arizona have started to distance me. one of my close friends has gone on to push me out now because i didn't accept her having a new relationship yet she was very open in showing her heart for me when she was single. another has gone and erased me afterwards due to the fact that i apparently am that toxic because of my doucheness at times as my sign of humor. it's really fucked up sometimes. and yet i came this way because of how i was treated. not to mention how people felt i needed to be. 
i did know some people i unfortunatly can't talk with at times but i know they care. most from ohio. only two to three in Arizona i know are so busy in thier lives i can't have them come to me because of what i deal with because my life isn't important. but i hate times when i have to constanly message them. one in particluar is a gal i worked with in arizona who blogs like me in time to time for the sake of getting things out of the open. her stuff is really good. in some levels she can relate to me and we even worked together on a shoot that reflects our emotions. i feel like sometimes when i read her stuff. i care. i actually see alot of myself in her. yet we have gone through different scenarios and situations, the emotions are the same. she has an advantage but somehow i see myself in her. and i guess its why she means alot to me. even as a friend sometimes. i feel that it's really important what she talks about. yet i wish i could tel others why she does and feels these feelings the way she does. it's powerful her words are. and yet the dark makes her the most beautiful thing ive seen. from at least my perspective. 

Here's my favorite picture of her shot by me. and please check out her blog to see what i mean. tell her shes beautiful and her words are as well.

 Her Blog:

*Jurai Or Die*

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

The Pain Still Lingers.

yeah, i got to come back here more often cause no one reads my facebook page posts anyways.
I should be sleeping, but all i can do is stand here focus on being productive and not think about the pain of my heart day by day, and yet, i can't stop relapsing the hurt i have to endure and force the pain inside me to pretend nothing happened to me or that i survive. and despite that all. i have to act like i'm able to live with this, and everything that surrounds me is contemplating of emotion that i can't just set aside. i just want this to go away every time i let down, i want this pain to go away when i have to deal with the lies, and the times i've been used and the times ive been taken advantaged of like everyone else and just smile and tough it out. and i can't. i see everyone progress in emotion and i can't do the same but i progress in everything else. why? why does i get blessed with everything else in favor but the one thing i desire more is never fulfilled? even when im focused on other things the temptation comes back around on me and then again after again i get the pain and anger. it's like i was born with an emotional defect that drives away the attraction. 

*Jurai or Die*

Monday, August 31, 2015

Well Well Well, look who came crawling back...

Yeah, i know. im here again.
so what has happend since i loast posted here?

Well first i moved to Arizona.
Started my photography skills.
Still dealing with rejection of women.

still dealing with my moms' health. which is why i may not be staying for long here.
the worse part is i know i only am friends with a few models due to the fact of my work ethic.
why does it sttill hurt?
i had the worse rejection ever when i went all the way on a hour train ride to downtown phoenix to meet a girl i was madly interested in, only to see her and her rejecting me for a guy who is her interest in the case of what he looks like.
and yet i gotten abit stronger in my case for dealing with the rejection.
less crying.
more silence.
and anger in some cases.
I don't know how or why. when i haven't even done anything to make this feel wierd.
hell some women i at least know i don't have a shot with, so im glad of being friends with them, but a few gems i see who i hope were interested i guess didn't see anything in a guy like me.
whats worse is two photographers in the area both have done things with thier spouses who are models too, and yet i envy that.
i dunno really what to write but this because its kinda got me so down today. to know that not even in this state or city i don't think i have a chance in hell to have someone of my own to make happy. even when im successful in my craft.

can't catch a break.

i don't even know what else to say because i don't even think anyone reads this. and im sure they already assume im being perverted or something.

*Jurai or Die*

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Be careful, I love you, stay in touch.

I have to trust Her.
I recently got into a argument with her because I felt like she was holding information back from me on her and another guy.
and it blew up in my face.
I want to forget that Ever happen.
I'm trying to. 
But the lingering keeps happening.
I want this to work so that when we meet it will mean something.
I have to trust her.
I've been down rpads where the women I had feelings for from a distance I couldn't trust. And they ended bad. 
I don't want this from her. Because she says she values and considers my feelings. 
And I believe her on that.
my anxiety plays tricks on me.
 but also my friends tell me the scenarios that this could be in. I don't want to believe that.
but again it doesn't seem that way.
but I have to trust her.
I have to tell myself this is real.
and she is real.
and in the end, it will be worth it. 
Because I want to be the one to be her BEST FRIEND In the world.
I've worked my way to being the there for her for more than two years. 
I refuse to let this end With nothing.
she is my Robin.
and I am her bruce.
because she's my partner in crime.
more than a potential soul mate but a partner.
equal in hearts and mind.
If there is a god, let her be the one for me.
*Jurai  Or Die*

Thursday, March 26, 2015


I feel like sometimes the girl I have feelings for doesn't want to give me the support I expect back even though I support her all the time. When she posts about how she feels bad for those who leave her and how some people who stay with her she is grateful for, I wonder if she even cares about what goes on in their lives? When I lost my aunt, I didn't get any support from her. When I got kicked out she never texted me back . When I dealt with health scares, she never said anything of showing concern. I don't want to be mad at her because she is dealing with the same things as me. Anger, depression. And anxiety. Just like me. But yet I'm able to put those aside to show I care for someone else. Is it because her condition is worse than mine? Is it because it am able to handle it better? I wonder. I don't want to make her mad. I just need more explaination. If only it had a moment to talk to her. Get this out in the open. Even if it meant waiting. Am in wrong for being this pessimistic ? 
I don't want my Angel of The Night to end up actually be the Devils advocate.

*Jurai Or die*

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Youtube series coming 2015! and more info on Son OF Anarchy!

So as you guys may have not known, i officially made Youtube Partner!
which means starting 2015, i'll be doing a Webseries on my Youtube!
what will it be about?
that's up to you guys!
it will be a Review Series but its up to you guys to ask what you want me to review on, so please check out the video and Let me know in the description below the video! 
also info on my album, and more are also on the page!

and if you haven't yet, Subscribe now on my youtube page!

Stay Tuned.. More to Come, Shwight


Saturday, November 29, 2014

a Message to My Friends of My Rivals.

i said many times i'm not a perfect man.
but i don't like drama. let alone be the reason for it. 

i'm man enough to squash a rivalry or a hatred with an individual if an invitation is made. i admit it. I've done it before. if a certain person didn't do that dirty to me enough to make me bitter on them i will admit to not speaking ill will on ANYONE who i fell off with. doesn't matter. but DON'T expect me to beg for reconciliation. i will not BOW or Bend my knees to them for the friendship to be rekindled. If i'm done with the bullshit and if we can squash it i'll be man enough to squash it.
but otherwise i'm not begging. cause I've been humiliated already enough.and i'm man enough to end drama that maybe irrelevant. 
so to all my friends who are friends with the people who i fell out of alliances with sees this. tell them. let them know i'm making the move and willing to talk and reason. cause i said before i don't like conflicts.
and i'll be damn if i die tomorrow i don't end the conflicts i have of my own.
*jurai or die*