Thursday, March 26, 2015


I feel like sometimes the girl I have feelings for doesn't want to give me the support I expect back even though I support her all the time. When she posts about how she feels bad for those who leave her and how some people who stay with her she is grateful for, I wonder if she even cares about what goes on in their lives? When I lost my aunt, I didn't get any support from her. When I got kicked out she never texted me back . When I dealt with health scares, she never said anything of showing concern. I don't want to be mad at her because she is dealing with the same things as me. Anger, depression. And anxiety. Just like me. But yet I'm able to put those aside to show I care for someone else. Is it because her condition is worse than mine? Is it because it am able to handle it better? I wonder. I don't want to make her mad. I just need more explaination. If only it had a moment to talk to her. Get this out in the open. Even if it meant waiting. Am in wrong for being this pessimistic ? 
I don't want my Angel of The Night to end up actually be the Devils advocate.

*Jurai Or die*

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Youtube series coming 2015! and more info on Son OF Anarchy!

So as you guys may have not known, i officially made Youtube Partner!
which means starting 2015, i'll be doing a Webseries on my Youtube!
what will it be about?
that's up to you guys!
it will be a Review Series but its up to you guys to ask what you want me to review on, so please check out the video and Let me know in the description below the video! 
also info on my album, and more are also on the page!

and if you haven't yet, Subscribe now on my youtube page!

Stay Tuned.. More to Come, Shwight


Saturday, November 29, 2014

a Message to My Friends of My Rivals.

i said many times i'm not a perfect man.
but i don't like drama. let alone be the reason for it. 

i'm man enough to squash a rivalry or a hatred with an individual if an invitation is made. i admit it. I've done it before. if a certain person didn't do that dirty to me enough to make me bitter on them i will admit to not speaking ill will on ANYONE who i fell off with. doesn't matter. but DON'T expect me to beg for reconciliation. i will not BOW or Bend my knees to them for the friendship to be rekindled. If i'm done with the bullshit and if we can squash it i'll be man enough to squash it.
but otherwise i'm not begging. cause I've been humiliated already enough.and i'm man enough to end drama that maybe irrelevant. 
so to all my friends who are friends with the people who i fell out of alliances with sees this. tell them. let them know i'm making the move and willing to talk and reason. cause i said before i don't like conflicts.
and i'll be damn if i die tomorrow i don't end the conflicts i have of my own.
*jurai or die*

Monday, November 10, 2014

Done with the Fakeness.

The truth is everyone who says they understands you doesn't understand. they will be no different than the people who hate you. They will eventually leave you and make you feel horrible for it..that's why I regret being social sometimes. because you can be depressed like others, you can have anxiety, you can even have the same mental conditions as someone else, but there will be moments where you sadly have to realize they get tired and annoyed of even YOUR antics. it's happened to me now more than I realize, and it's because of things I've said or things I've done. choices I've made or decisions I've regretted. that's why at the end of the day I will have to face the music and go back to where I started. being antisocial. it was peaceful and yet it was never this much a emotional stress point. I don't even want to consider myself a "family" member of fan bases anymore because everyone else in them are ether judgmental or treat you like shit regardless. I've been a quiet loyal fan without people stabbing me in the back and I should have been that way earlier on. because it's been the fact that no fucking person judged me. It's bad enough the people I still reach out to still have ties to the people who have left me for shit. so fuck this life. It's not even the people who live in this state with me. It's people all over the world who have done this to me. The day I leave this city I start fresh. If you really want to prove you give a shit is the moment you will have to work to prove it. or at least prove it in general. I'm tired of people leaving me because I'm that annoying. you knew this would coming the moment you got to know me. I'm a annoying fuck. always will be. This is what makes me autistic and different. If you can't handle my antics yet you don't want to change on that then get the fuck away from me. you say you want people to accept who you are as is, yet you didn't accept me for who I am. As is. and the moment that happens and you leave me is the moment you're a piece of hypocritical bullshit with everyone else. This is why I will focus on me. No one else. You give a shit about me? shut the fuck up up and prove it with your actions. you know I do if it was on my end.

I'm Done Ranting. 
Fuck People.
*~jurai or die~*

Friday, August 1, 2014

Pardon My Heart for it's Constant Thoughts..(Poem)

It's hard to not think of her everyday.
to not say in a admiration or a thought of someone who knows your moves and yet knows only so little of you
when you know what they day in day, time, night, hour, week, or even at work, school, or even vacation.
obsession isn't what i'm taking action upon, 
interest is what i'm trying to explain.
she wants attention, yet it seems like it's too much a stretch to know what she's 
dreaming of, what she thinks about.
you want to text her, yet you can't over do it.
you don't try to conversate everyday, yet you want to wish her good morning,
good night, "you're beautiful as you always were everyday i know your existence."
everyday you know every action you take,
you have a scenario you want to put her into it.
woman crush wednesdays don't do justice to how much you want
people to know of her existence.
you want to tell people of you heart beats for her everyday.
you want to make action plans that will include her in the future or even
the present.
it's bad enough you wonder who else thinks of her 
the same way.
you see photos of her with male friends
one half of you remembers she has more connection with your gender
the other hates the fact these men have the 
same opportunities as you into capturing her heart.
you want her to be not some fairy tale,
not some children's nursery story,
not some romantic comedy,
you want realism.
you want a moment to be with her and she gets mad at you because you overreact
even when you do something that doesn't pertain to both of you.
you want a moment when she finds the stupidest thing you do 
enough to make her laugh.
you want a moment when anything you achieve 
she feels like you deserve in some way and you can tell her," you made this possible for me, because you
believed in me."
you want a moment where you can just be fucking happy you get to hold her hand or she grabs your arm. and you walk side to side and not speak a word and 
even have a moment to look at each others eyes.
no words needed. 
beyond texts.
beyond a mentions
beyond the shout out.
beyond the subliminal messages
and beyond the snapchats.


for a woman i am thinking of tonight while listening to this song. 
intimacy included.

Pardon my Bluntness.
(poem by me.)

*jurai or die*

Monday, July 28, 2014

My Situation.

I'm sorry to Everyone. For everything. 
They are upset of who i changed to be or upset of my loyalty. upset that i am not the friend i used to be during the days i've been upset pushing them away or taking my anger out on them. loving one or some of them so much it kills me or saying i've betrayed them or even saying i've taken advantage of them. 
"To Be Honest", I am The one at Fault because i have hurt people, i have people who have said i've overstepped boundaries, some who have even said i did things of nature that was wrong in general. i don't have to tell you what ive done if you knew it, i don't have to tell you what i've done if you feel confused. i have a hard enough time as it is being me.

for the past few days i had to go to the hospital because i had a heart attack. now mind you, im not asking for sympathy, because this maybe something i was cursed to have because i did something wrong. 
this maybe something i deserved. 

i've dealt with this situation of character since i was in junior high, and some habits die hard. in one point, im considered an asshole. in another i'm considered a creeper. in one instance i'm considered a emotional drama queen. i'm all of those things in perspective. no lie. some of you don't even talk to me anymore because of those things. i know it, you can deny it, but it's true. i express myself only when i need to because i need to show that in reality i need to not hide anything. 
it's things like this i regret being social. because it seems my silence, is the best advice i need to give myself, because my voice is a curse. my thoughts is a curse. my personality is cursed, unattractive, and pointless.

*Jurai Or Die*

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Fare Thee Well Colossalcon...

as my last right mission, i have decided to post this Blog in Video Form .
In this case, I say this with all my heart.

watch below... see you in colossalcon.

*Jurai Or Die*