I was supposed to post a Birthday Long blog a few days ago. but a few things have happened since then.
1. got into a reuttal with my mother that ended up almost getting me kicked off my own property by the police
2. my mother was almost disagnosed with leukimia.
3. received another rejection from another woman.
4. and finally, recently i asked for some honesty about my use of friendships from one of my closer friends.
"To be blunt, you come across as a consided douche, going on about race and religion. I have respect for a properly worded argument, but your way of expressing your side seems whiny and terribly once sided with no open-mindedness what so ever. You give people the impression of not matter what you can't be wrong, or polite to be perfectly honest. Everything revolves around you no matter how trivial, it's always something against you, and how terrible your life is. You make people feel bad for you then take advantage of them in one form or another. I hope you don't mean to do this, because it's ex termly rude and I'm usually good at reading people so that would go against my gut of giving you the benifit of the doubt."
whats even more shocking about that, is that she's right.
i am very hypocritical when it comes to religion, and sadly, it's because of my father, he forced me to convert and admire the religon due to my upbringing. but at the same time, i do make rants about my race and religion.
race mostly because while i feel no wrong at sometimes of my race, i am ashamed of it.
everyday in the media and in people younger than me, i see ignorance, fashion, style, the music we listen to, the shows we watch, the slang we come up with, ignorance. only a sliver of intellect i see most of the time in our youth and celebrities, most of the intellect i see is in my peers. my generation. people around my age. and its sad. most of my friends are younger than me, and some are not understanding on that still because they accept today's situation and views. but all in all. i am ashamed at times, and i talk a big talk. (again, another trait from my father.)
and finally. Sympathy. i could say my disabilty makes me a attention whore when im down or when im super depressed. but it could be any of those things. all i know is i guess i do it too much. and because of that i lose friendships, and even lose relationship opportunities. however the ONLY thing not true is the fact also that apparently i take advantage of people's generosity. if i do, it's not by intent. never by intent. i mean that would make me PRETTY HYPOCRITICAL of that when i hate it myself right?
anyways, in realization of this. i want you, any friend, former lover, or even fan, who has seen or been a victim of this, i only have one thing to say.
i'm truly sorry.
i never meant to be this way nor did i intended this. this was beyond my own nature and truly not something i wanted to inhabit. and with this i give my deepest apologies.
i am willing to accept this and take responsibility on what i have done to hurt you or anyone else. it is said that sometimes the first step is to admitting you made a mistake, the second is to know you need to fix it.
i intend to fix this mistake.
the fact things have happend to me these past few weeks maybe karma at work for what ive done to people. and with that im accepting my punishment on that, whether it was my loss of a record deal and the fact i lost relationship opportunites and even loss of friends.
if i offended you or anyway insulted you by accident or in anyway due to my opinion, i apologize for that too.
if there is any simpler way to make it up to any of you, trust me it's best to tell me and i will do my best to work on it.
aside from that, i know im not perfect, this is a work in progress. but as long as those who still care support me and my growth, i will be able to make the change need in myself for myself and others.
this is all i know i need to do.
aside from this, thank you for the 200 fans on my facebook, and thank you for the birthday wishes if any.
over my years being a survivor of mental and emotional suffering, i've noticed i've been able to at least reach out to some people, even minimal in time when it comes to relatable things.
and massive emotional breakdowns.
the fact im able to talk and still function at times like alot of people i this world should stand as a testament to people who like me were unfourtunate at times.ive known people like myself to not be able to survive, or even be able to function, to the point total shutdown is the last resort.
today two of my friends are dealing with that factor right now. while i truly care for them, i can't do anything to make them realize they have potential nor tell them that thigns will get better.
as someone who's heard these things, i can't lie to them that it will get better. cause sometimes it wont.
think about it.
honesty, be it brutal, openly, or lightly has become a bigger use in the society today, to a point even celebrites use it. while its not considered a trend, it's becomeing a effection that is being more considered a quality, wheiter it's loyalty or even a relationship.
if anything i learned to let people who are in a situation to a point they ignore you or not respond due to thier own feelings is to let them deal with their own demons. you can't be a savior to everyone, at the same time, it shouldn't mean you should give up on them. it's only because it's a frustrating moment for them.
i can't say or do anything to tell them they will be okay, but i will say to them that my unconditional love and support and concern for them will never die. becuase they would do the same for me.
last year, i cried in a parking lot accross the street in the dead of night on a video because i felt there was nothing left to do. i had run out of options. i felt i was done. no more. ive been where they went. every person who's either dealt with emotional heartbreak, every self inflicted person, every person who's tried committed suciede. who was bullied because they were different. yet i have to force myself to rememeber one thing.
i am still here.
i haven't yet left.
something is telling me stay. to help.
to tell another person who's dealt with what i dealt with to hold on alittle longer.
to release their stress and tension,.
to cry alittle if it helps ease their pain.
to make hug out your problems.
to take your anger out on something more useful.
to do whatever it takes to not harm yourself and feel useless.
cause we all have been that way in some point in time.
and i was the one who felt it alot more than people.
bullied. insulted. told was wierd. creepy, stupid. dumbass,.
you all (especially my high school peers) have been witness to it all. and yet while i try to either fix my own problems or comfort someone else's, i never forgot where i started.
and that is the real reason i'm still alive.
because that little creepy nerd from high school wouldn't have made it.
For the past 10 years my passion of music and my abilities never showed a sign of slowing down, no matter what obsticles came my way, and no matter what i dealt with. i wanted to show people that my music was something that a person like me could accomplish, even when the deal was too great.
lot of you have been there and seen it all, lost friendships and loves, gain partnerships and support. and through it all i have been blessed to make new music and gained respect from my peers in music. through this hard work i did on my own and with love and support from you all. from "the world according to" to "Delta Nexus" i had to hustle and Work hard to attain attention and even made sacrifices to push my music to the boundaries of success and recognition. and it seems somehow it was either make it or break it.
as of March 3rd, i am proud to announce that I, Yoku Masaki, have made a lucrative Partnership and Distribution Deal with Gadsen Records. This is what i have been waiting for a long time, and i can now say i will be making bigger moves then i ever could achieve. my first step in order is continued promotion of Delta Nexus, and further on details of my upcoming new EP which will be released very soon.
for now, i wanted to share this Video, in which i take a trip down Memory Lane and my old home,where i started from in my music, to where i am today. i thank you for those who been with me since day one, and i hope you will stay on the continue ride to my glory.
As you might have heard. I fell the need to MAKE this post here, on the blog that started it all for me.
for the past few years I've been a one man promotional army, making music and promoting myself to the point my potential has been overlooked and or has briefly been seen. I've released over 20 different projects, from beat-tapes and instrumentals to three albums.
I've also dealt with so much over the past 6 years i have released music, lost and gain things, people, and potential. but now i feel that this turning point for me has become a blessing.
as you may have paid attention, i had a conference call, my first one earlier last week, and i can honestly say this is my biggest announcement to ever been released.
after reading the post, i cried, never have i known someone else who dealt with the same issues i have from a artists standpoint.
to Miss Kieran, this is for you,
I wanted to write this on your page due to the fact i maybe on hiatus because of related issues myself as i realized. i want to thank you for your post on you website. words cannot express how much i almost cried after reading it, because it was accurately scary to what i've been dealing with partly for the past few days without no one's knowing half of the story. it's things like that you posted i swear im so glad i know you, and how much i truly support what you do. you are such an inspiring person and i can't thank you enough for being strong enough for doing what you did. I truly never thought someone like you can resonate on the same level as i am. i have had anxiety and Depression for the past 15 and on years, and it's taken a toll many times on my music and my life. to the point even i get lovesick. it was hard enough for me to write music and focus on even making my album let alone work on my other skills. you've been literally one of the most outspoken who knows my situation mentally and i can't thank you enough for speaking your mind for people like me. i hope you know i will always support you because of this and know i hope to meet you one day. also know if you ever want to talk outside the interwebs, im always here. for you have more than just a fan, you have a friend in me. sincerely, Yoku. xoxo
hopefully i'll be back later next week with more news of my music and new stuff for this 2014 and whatnot, also planning more with my photography and such, but go to my website and you'll know the story. (www.yokumasaki.com)
I'm secure now in my life to actually say these words: "I don't give a shit." i don't have to work my ass pff to get attention and or affection anymore knowing i survived another year of Bullshit. it won't make a difference.
some of you i managed to gain more respect as i feel accomplished on
completing my music, and you maybe rewarded on that in the long running
plans i have for next year. some of you decided to cut losses of me while your still on my friends list. why?
why for the sake would you even consider being around me when you have
no respect nor have no appreciation for me? just to be nosy? #FOHWTBS. on everything. if you're done with me, you're done with me. simple as that. your "silent treatments" are through.
I'm through wasting time and money and sympathy to some of you who feel
im a piece of shit of an existence yet im still on your social media
friends list. I'm only focused on those who keep a relevance to talk to me for now on. i realize this social world is not important anymore. and sometimes i may need to remind myself that it isn't still. i just finished a accomplishment this year i didn't think i would finish this year.
and despite emotion and a medical condition, i stayed on the same path
to finish it. (for those who didn't even know what im talking about,
read my last post before this one to catch up.) you can not say a man of my damaged mental capability has not achieved this task before. i can actually say i have made three projects with a mental condition. yes im sure there are people who are far worse than me on this earth, but they aren't me. there's the difference.
and while some of you ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT that i have accomplished
this objective, those are the one's I'm making sure stick around.
the rest of you who are still on here in social media world, feeling the
need to not speak to me at all even outside of the music, who USED to
be close to me but changed because i did ONE mistake or so, who feel I'm
not worthy of a friend, take a moment to think about what i did in
generosity before you judged me. before you made assumption that i
had done good things for something. compare that to maybe the people in
this world who did worse to you than what i did. aside from that, if
you don't think im a friend, you can go ahead and erase me from you
existence. cause i guarantee I'll be doing the same to you. no more bullshit is all im asking for 2014.